A (justified?) whinge

It's funny what finally gets you. The last straw was having to pay BT £125 to come and put a new telephone line in at the new flat. They did it, then it stopped working. I was on my own, exhausted and overwraught. I phoned them to get it sorted and, poor customer service assistant, I wailed about how everything was going wrong. And because they're trained not to hang up on you, I just went on and on and on. So whoever you were out there - thank you for listening.

I hate moving. I hate the new kitchen. I hate the stupid electric oven. The new flat is tiny and I don't like it. It was left filthy, disgusting and we had to clean it all. I had to chip at the toilet with a screwdriver (at 6am, I hasten to add, a joyful task before going to work for the day). It certainly did NOT look like that when we viewed it. We also had several notes left by various bailiffs for the previous tenants. What have we got ourselves into?!

We're in the midst of moving and it's hideous. Every one of our weekends is gobbled up with other things, so we're having to hoik and heave things from one flat to another in between everything else (like, working, washing ourselves and eating). TLM is working long days (strictly speaking 8am-8:30pm) and with the commute added in he's waking up at 5am, leaving at 6am and not coming home till way gone 10 pm. That's a long, long day and that will be going on until next Friday. Last night we just laid in bed crying because everything is so overwhelming and over-tiring. When there's two of you, it's usually one who is knocked and the other can support. But we're both just wiped out and the strain is showing. Physically, we're exhausted and our muscles ache and being tired just amplifies every miserable thought you have. I've also caught a cold and have an ear ache brewing - I really don't want to pass it on to TLM.

I think we're both also apprehensive about the next oncology follow-up appointment, which is tomorrow. I know I haven't been worrying out loud about it, but I think it's simmering in the background and the anxiety has been gnawing at me. At least he will be going though, because at first TLM's work denied him time off to go to his oncology follow-up appointment (these will be happening every month for the next year). Cue having to trawl the disability discrimination act to support our uproar about this. It's the NHS, surely they should know these things?

Wedding stuff is ramping up, and we just have no free weekends in the forseeable future. Not until the honeymoon - which I can't wait for! There's so much to organise now and with all my papers and special books in various boxes it gets a bit difficult. The church has also apparently lost my electoral roll application, as I had a panicky email from the administator saying we couldn't get married if I wasn't on the roll. This was the last thing I wanted to hear.

Day after day is just slog of getting up early, moving things, sorting things, writing lists, working hard, moving more things, dealing with new problems, writing more lists, sorting more things and still not getting anywhere. It feels like there is no end in sight.Usually when things are too much, you're able to put a time limit on it. But we won't be past this crappy little spot for another couple of weeks, when we will finally be able to STOP. To try and enjoy the poky new flat. To get excited about the wedding and honeymoon. We're being useless at helping ourselves through this, I really wish someone could just wave a magic wand and sort everything out for us.

If you've managed to read this, well done to you, and whoever you are - thank you for listening.

Having my (wedding) cake and eating it

In January, bad news was tripping over itself to get to us. February is here and I really hope we've turned a corner. TLM's oncology appointment was again the best news we could have hoped for - the tumour was apparently contained and his tumour markers were coming down steadily. The course of action is now surveillance (such a relief to hear chemo is not needed, though always with the proviso of at the moment) and TLM will be having monthly check ups for the next two years. There's a 10-15% chance of it recurring within 12-18 months (which would have been taken down to 2% with chemo), though if it returns the chemotherapy has a 98-99% success rate. With such strict surveillance, we feel a sort of relief but it will still be hanging over us both. We both feel very subject to outside forces at the moment and are just trying to grab happiness where is presents itself and enjoy ourselves here and now.

With everything happening, we'd totally overlooked Valentine's day. This morning I could hear TLM singing away in the shower and I cried because in that moment I realised just how lucky I am to have him and how much I love him. He is a wonderful person: fun, devoted, hardworking, generous, kind-hearted, understanding, comforting. Our lives have changed forever and I will appreciate him in a way I couldn't have before, because I can never forget the terror I felt when confronted with the possibility of losing my perfect man. *breathe*

So after my moment of soppiness, I decided to check my emails to see if the vicar had emailed us our wedding service (we've been doing marriage preparation all weekend). Not yet, but there was another email. I opened it and saw ....

Congratulations, you are the LUCKY WINNERS!!!!

What, eh? A con probably. Then I realised that this Maisie Fantaisie had used both mine and TLM's full names. And it clicked - this was the win-a-wedding-cake competition I had entered! I absolutely squealed with delight. TLM, probably thinking I was being murdered, stumbled out of the shower without his glasses on and I had to quickly explain about how I'd entered this competition to win a bespoke wedding cake. And, evidently, had won! We phoned up May Clee-Cadman, gleefully accepted our prize and she explained about us coming to London for a design consultation and tasting session. So, yes, it seems I won't be making our wedding cake and will have to make do (;-)) with one of the exquisite creations that you can see here.

We just couldn't stop beaming and impulsively decided to go into town. The usually overflowing Pump Rooms had no queue so in we went and had a delicious champagne high tea.



Maybe I could come round to believing that everything happens for a reason. If it keeps going my way, that is.

Surgery update

The surgery is done and TLM is woozy and happy on morphine in the hospital. The consultant said that the testicle appeared to be nothing but cancer any more - but who cares, it's gone now. We have also had the radiologist's report from his CT scan yesterday and it is clear throughout. While we aren't breathing a big sigh of relief just yet, at least we are not holding our breath any more. A biopsy of the tumour and further blood tests to look for/compare markers will dictate now what treatment is needed from here - if anything more than strict observation.

I've returned home to a fridge bursting with fruit and vegetables (I put out an SOS yesterday and left our key under the doormat!) and will be going back to collect TLM in a few hours when he has been debriefed by the surgeon and discharged.

Seriously, have I been living my life over the past three days? It doesn't feel like it.

The relationship between love and food

One day, a few weeks ago, as I munched my lunch at my desk my colleague said, "Alice, seriously, you are so noisy when you eat." The following day, I was eating dinner with TLM and he sighed and said, "I love the way you eat, you always go 'a-nom-nom-nom' and you can tell you really enjoy it". And that, my friends, is why I love TLM. Because he loves the things that other people find annoying.

I am greedy and the reason I cook is because I love to eat. I am mildly addicted to fat and carbs (pastry, mashed potato, cheese) and have a tendency to comfort eat, but in a more balanced state I relish delicious fresh food with brilliant flavours. I have never, to my knowledge, lost my appetite.

But at the moment there is nothing I want to do less than eat, and I don't particularly want to cook and, more to the point, things have been so frantic that we don't even have milk or bread in the house. There is nothing to eat even if we really wanted it. Besides, tomorrow TLM is going in for his orchidectomy and is now fasting in preparation for tomorrow.

I'm guilty of showing my love through cooking, so I'm in a very odd state at the moment where it's not possible to do so ... and I'm feeling lost.

Sorry this post has been so "me, me, me". I don't expect anyone to enlighten me, but if you have any musings to add then please do!

Things can only get ... worse?

I think blogging could be a cathartic exercise. I'll let TLM do the talking.

Can we reboot 2010, please?

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It's well known that getting married, moving house and having to find a job are some of the most stressful life events going.

So with three months until our wedding and starting to feel like we've got everything sorted, we've been given two months' notice to leave our home (as the landlords want to move back in) and I have been given two months' notice that my project may be winding up.

TLM has been working in a hospital some 40 miles away (and living in a cupboard there most of the time due to unsociable hours in A&E) and we have endured being mostly separated for the past six months so I could carry on with my career. He was just gearing up to start commuting now that he has a reasonable timetable.

So we are now left - to put it mildly - in a bit of a pickle. What should we do? Look to find a new home where we live now (as job prospects will be better for me)? Or move to the out-in-the-sticks hospital where there will be fewer opportunities? Will my project miraculously continue? If not, how likely is it that someone will want to employ me with the prospect of me having to take holiday for the honeymoon? How likely is is that there are jobs anyway? With regards to choosing our location, there is the small matter that I need to be attending the church where we currently live, and that we need to have banns read in TLM's parish (and we won't know where that will be until the very nick of time), in order to get married.

In the longer term, TLM has finished applying for jobs starting in August, but where that will take us we have no idea. I know full well that his career will entail us having restricted choices, and that I will have to trail along. But I'm still adverse to unpredictability.

Last year was somewhat rocky and uncertain and I couldn't wait to see the back of it. Looks like 2010 has more surprises in store than we imagined.

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Well, I wrote this last night with a view to posting this today. And what happens this morning? I get a call at 6:15 am to say TLM has been in a car accident. Much fretting and an hour or so later, he calls to say that he is OK. On the way to work he narrowly avoided a head-on collision down a country road. A car was overtaking on a blind corner, and TLM was forced to crash (into a bollard no less) in order to avoid colliding with the lunatic driver on the wrong side of the road. The overtaker, obviously, drove off. More surprisingly, the people being overtaken also carried on without stopping, TLM's car wrapped round a bollard in their rear view mirror and no idea if he was OK or not. The police say there is next to no chance of catching the dangerous driver, and with no evidence of the other person's culpability, or even identity, we're left to foot the excess and take the hit on the no claims.

Oh, and we have to pay for the rebuilding of the bollard.

So, pretty please, could we wipe the slate clean and start this decade afresh?

Christmas stuffing - chestnut, shallot, apple & quince, sage

My dad makes a christmas stuffing that I always thought unsurpassable, but of course us young upstarts will try and usurp our parents won't we? I took HEAVY inspiration from his recipe, but made it less like a meat loaf and more like a stuffing.

When I tasted the tester ball I was actually astounded that I had managed to make something so delicious. It was light, flavoursome, soft and yielding. Since I put the uncooked balls in to store for Christmas, every time I open the freezer I wonder what the delicious smell is, and remember it's the stuffing! This recipe is definitely for keeps.

I improvised the weights and measures from what looked right, so I had to go back and weigh the leftovers to get the recipe. To make 10-12 balls of stuffing.

Ingredients

• 1/2 large cooking apple, diced
  
• 8 - 10 shallots, diced
  
• 3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
• 2 tbspn quince
• 2 tsps mixed herbs
• 1 handful of fresh sage, chopped finely
• 1/2 fresh nutmeg, grated
• salt & white pepper to taste
• 500 g sausagemeat (I squeezed it out of my favourite leek sausages)
  
• 4 slices' worth of breadcrumbs (I always forget to leave it out, so I do it in the oven at 200 C for about 10 mins. I think this actually helps as the bread is crisp but not totally dried out) crumbled up.
  
• 250 g chestnuts (un prepared weight) which should be cooked - look up online if puzzled, I did - and then crumbled up.

How to make it

Fry the apple, shallots, garlic and a pinch of salt until soft. Add the quince, mixed herbs, nutmeg and fresh sage and cook for a further minute or two to combine. Add salt (probably not much at all) and white pepper to taste. Leave to cool.

Put the sausagemeat, bread crumbs and chestnuts into a bowl. Add the cooked mixture once it has cooled. Combine with your hands until everything is evenly spread out.

Take handfuls and roll into balls about the size of a lime. Cook at 200 C for around 20-30 minutes.

I ate the tester ball with cauliflower cheese (naughty, yummy) and it was delicious. Can't wait to have the rest on Christmas day! I have told dad about this stuffing and have set aside a taster for him to try at the weekend. I wonder what he'll think?

They aren't the prettiest of beasts, especially photographed on a winter night- but I hope the picture helps show the consistency.